Tuesday, September 8, 2009

Some Pointless Suggesting Toward Summit; RE: Breaking Dawn

Dearest Summit,

I know you will not listen to my suggestions, as you don't really give two farts about the fan base or pleasing them, you just want to factory mass produce this thing so you can make money, but, I digress, the point is, you should listen, it would make people happier and make you even MORE money.

As I'm re-reading Breaking Dawn (again!) it occurs to me that there could be a few steps taken that would make it wildly better than the ruination summit plans to put out. Here's some suggestions (off the top of my head, I'm sure there will be more to follow later)

1) FIRE Melissa Rosenberg (twilight/new moon/eclipse screenwriter)

I repeat FIRE HER ASS; DO NOT let her ruin this project too!!! She may be a lovely person, she may be good at adapting other genre of books to movie, but, she IS NOT a good fit as the screenwriter for the Twilight Saga. She has proved this already (time and again, or so I've heard), she's under the misapprehension that this is her story to tell and that she needs to change the whole character of the characters, and change all their dynamics/relationships to make it work. It needs to stop!

(this is not nice of me at all, I feel a little bad for doing it, 
but, not bad enough to not do it ...) 

As a replacement I would recommend looking into the possibility of aquiring Philippa Boyens, or Fran Walsh (two of the lord of the rings co-screenwriters; Peter Jackson was the third, but, I don't know how Twi he would be...) ladies who were able to get the book successfully translated to what works on the big screen, but, didn't mess with the plot too much, and all in all kept it marvelously in tune with the spirit of the story.


2) Break it up into two movies.

There is just too much in that story to fit into one movie. At all, let alone well. Try Bella I and Jacob as one movie, and save Bella II for the second one. Or, go for 3+ hrs if you feel the need to cram it all into one. Whatever you do, DO NOT go 2hrs or less for the whole stinkin' book. I can tell you now, it will suck if you do!

The other benefit of breaking it up, is that it will give you a whole nother year to work on the issue that is Renesmee. It'll be tough to get that to work ANYWAY, even more so if you rush right into it. If you break BD into two, you can still milk your cashcow on a factory pace, but, give a little extra time to work out how to do Renesmee right!

Renesmee_by_Dalcinne found over at devientart

3) Rate it R 

Please please please, give it an R rating. I know you're worried about some of the tweenies/teenies not being able to go see an R movie as many times as not, but, really, they'll get in there anyway, if nothing else, their bad twi-moms will march right up and buy tickets for both of them to see it together. Trust me, this will not hurt your ticket sales!!!

Plus, really looking at the material, you'll need the R rating to do it justice anyway.Honeymoon (partial nudity needed) wolf pack transforms (I think we can get a full nude butt shot on jacob, he'll be 18 by then!) blood and gore of the whole pregnancy/birth thing, SECOND HONEYMOON (I think even more nudity is called for) battle training, etc.

4) Hire a better wardrobe consultant.

Obviously we're stuck with the cast we have (in some cases a very good thing, in some, not so much) so let's at least dress them like they're supposed to be dressed! With Alice being SUCH a fashion maven, we would never actually see the likes of Rosalie (who is supposed to look and dress like a fashion model, and if we can't get "looks like", maybe we can at least get "dresses like") wearing those bleached out denim atrocities that make her look five miles wide and like she lives in a trailer park, like we see her in in the first movie. Although none of them are dressed TOO terribly, not much of it "hints at designer origins" as we know about our Cullens.


There's a reason they were picked the first time! Either think harder before casting people, think through the WHOLE story and what that means for the character, or learn to live with and work with what YOU already picked!

stop trying to change it!

6) Put out better merchandise!

Yes, you can probably wrap poo up in plastiwrap, label it as wolfpack droppings, and some fan would probably buy it. But, you won't sell as many as if it was an actually quality product. Ask SM, ask some fans, get some input on your possibilities, if you quit half assing it, you will sell more.

yes, I know you probably want/will buy all of this, but, 
please at least let yourself admit that they're really not trying that hard!

That's all I've got for now, I doubt you'll listen anyway, as you really don't care about anything but the money, but, I thought I'd try nonetheless.

Love's the story,
starting to hate you,



Alice said...

Hahaha. I agree with all of your points! Don't feel sorry about Melissa. I hope she burns in hell. For realz. The wardrobe!!!! It's freaking me out! I can't believe they actually paid someone to pick those outfits. Hell my bf could even have done a better job. Ohh and the merch...two words: Cullen Crest. Whahahaha I think that is the lamest piece of crap out there.

Rob's Swiss Miss said...

This post is effing fantastic! I agree with every single point. I seriously don't know why Scummit wouldn't invest a little time in researching the fanbase and realizing that the people who are going to spend serious dough are the adult twi-freaks, not the fickle tweenies. Although SM is a Mormon...so I think that prohibits the R-rated deliciousness we all crave.