Most Rondo Audiobook Ever!!!

I love audiobooks (really, could I BE anymore of a geek?)

I love Twilight.

I saw that they had a Twilight audiobook.

Which seemed like a match made in Forks!

In reality though ... not so much ...

I just got my first iPod (and after having it for two whole days, I wonder how I even lived without it!) I have already, in my two whole iPoded days, listened to Odd Thomas. I've also found, borrowed, and ripped several other audiobooks to myPod as well

But, none of them were my beloved Twilight.

Which, I decided, is what I really wanted to be cleaning my dishes to.

So, I went onto audible and changed my membership so I could have enough credits to get Twilight (which if you have Audible and are thinking of changing your plan, use any credits you have before you do it or you will lose them!) and then purchased and downloaded the file.

I was SO excited!!!

That is until I heard this:

(if the player doesn't show up for you, go here to hear a sample)

and nearly cried.

Oh, the unfairness! Oh, the humanity!!!

Not only does The (well, one of the) Best Story Ever have to fall into the hands of a not so great writer (which I really can live with, it's not the worst writing I've ever read)

Poor (oot) Best Story Ever has to then go to one of the most WRETCHED screenwriters ever (melissa rosenberg) who got teamed up with a total batshit director (catherine hardwicke) to make the craptastic movie we have today (don't get me wrong, I watch it over and over because it is the only Twilight movie we have!)

But then, they have to take miserable little (oot) Best Story Ever and absolutely brutalize it with, what is, so far as I can tell from my experience, THE WORST NARRATOR ON THE PLANET!

For starters, this woman sounds like she's 40 trying to sound 20.
She sounds like she's reading to kindergartners.
She sounds like this may be the first time in her life ever to read out loud.

Why she got tapped for this is beyond me. In my experience they look for people with an engaging storytelling style, usually (not always, but, more often than not) someone that distinguishes the characters somehow, and that is able to have a natural enough rhythm that you don't think of it so much as someone reading your (so poorly it hurts) a book out loud, but, like someone telling you a story (BIG difference)

Someone who AT LEAST has a rudimentary knowledge of general cadence of speech, comprehension of story, and how grammar should be used out loud.

After listening to less than five minutes of this travesty, I mostly just want my money back. I don't know if I will actually be able to listen to the whole thing. It may make my ears bleed. I'm also REALLY glad I didn't buy all four at once.

Which is a sad day, as I said before, I LOVE audiobooks. I've never met one I didn't like. I listen to them for everything from roadtrips, to projects, to cleaning. They, slightly more than music, could be considered the soundtrack of my life. I really didn't think I would ever hear one I couldn't listen to. Of course, if there was going to be one, it makes sense that it would be Twilight.

It's tragic really how many people (hmmm ... all women so far) have absolutely mangled this poor poor (oot) Best Story Ever.

I'm just hoping beyond hope that New Moon can do some justice and isn't just another steaming turd. (Maybe in the hands of a man, it can!)

Whatever it ends up being, I know I'll watch it, as it's the only one we have ...

(for comparison, here's an example of how audiobook narrators should be able to preform.)